GERMANS ACHIEVE NEW BREAKTHROUGH IN DIAGNOSING MENTAL ILLNESS


The scientific and psychiatric worlds were aghast and amazed yesterday by a new German breakthrough which allows even unqualified operatives, like police officers and journalists, to instantaneously diagnose mental illness in seconds.

The breakthrough came at a Dusseldorf train station, where a man of Muslim background was instantly diagnosed as "mentally ill" after going on a rampage with an axe and seriously injuring seven people. His race and religion were of absolutely no importance.

Normally, diagnosing mental illness is a complex and time-consuming procedure. According to the internationally respected Mayo Clinic, a valid diagnosis of mental illness in a subject requires a physical exam, involving lab tests, and a psychological evaluation from a qualified doctor, both of which may take several weeks to complete. Also, in order for a diagnosis to be valid, it is necessary to specify which form of mental illness it is. There are literally hundreds.

The physical exam may include a check of the subject's thyroid function or a screening for alcohol and drugs. This is done in order to rule out physical problems that might be causing the symptoms. For example, the Dusseldorf attacker could have been attacking people due to a hallucinogenic drug that caused him to see his fellow passengers as flesh-eating zombies, or simply he may have been stung by a bee. To eliminate such non-mental factors would require lab tests.

However, thanks to the new "Dusseldorf Technique," which merely requires that the subject be heard shouting "Allah Akbar" or waving an ISIS flag while chopping up innocent bystanders, "mental illness" can be diagnosed instantaneously, even before the ambulances and body bags have arrived.

Everyone can then go about their business in the calm reassurance that multiculturalism is working perfectly, while the blood is mopped up. Germany is truly a nation at the forefront of scientific progress.

 

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